Ada sebuah kejadian aneh di rumah sakit Perawatan Intensif, di mana para pasien selalu meninggal di tempat tidur pada kamar yang sama dan selalu pada Jumat pagi tanpa peduli umur, kelamin, kondisi kesehatan mereka ataupun latar belakang kesehatannya.

Hal ini sangat membingungkan para dokter dan para perawat beberapa bahkan berpikir bahwa hal ini ada hubungannya dengan supra natural. Mengapa selalu pada hari Jumat dan pada tempat tidur yang sama? Kemudian para dokter memutuskan untuk menuntaskan kasus ini dan menyelidiki penyebab dari beberapa kejadian ini...


Begitu tiba hari Jumatnya, semua orang di rumah sakit tersebut dengan tegang menunggu akankah kejadian buruk itu terulang kembali. Lalu terbaringlah pasien baru rumah sakit itu di sana.

Beberapa dokter sudah memegang salib kayu, kitab suci dan benda benda suci lainnya untuk menangkal iblis, sementara sang pasien masih terbaring di sana.

Seiring waktu berputar, pukul 08:00 pagi, pukul 8:30... tepat sebelum waktu keramat itu tiba-tiba pintu kamar tersebut terbuka...

Kemudian masuklah Udin... part timer cleaning service untuk hari Jumat, tanpa rasa bersalah langsung mencabut peralatan untuk nafas bantuan pasien gawat darurat dan kemudian digunakan untuk mencolokkan vacuum cleaner?

Seorang penjual ayam ternyata hanya tinggal punya 1 ekor ayam saja. Tapi dia tidak mau memberitahukan pada pembeli, sehingga ia pura-pura bergegas untuk pergi ke belakang toko dan seolah-olah dia sedang memilih salah satu ayam yang terbaik dari kandang ayamnya.

Sambil menendang kandang ayam juga berkotek-kotek seperti ayam, dia pun segera kembali ke toko dengan membawa satu-satunya ayam yang masih dimilikinya lalu dijualnya kepada ibu Wati.



Penjual ayam itu pun menimbang ayam tersebut dan berkata, "Bu Wati, ayam ini harganya Rp. 11.000,00." Ibu Wati pun menjawab, "Kira-kira ada ayam yang sedikit lebih besar tidak."

Lalu penjual itu segera kembali ke belakang toko dan bikin banyak keributan disana. Dia pun segera kembali ke toko dengan membawa ayam yang sama dan berkata, "Ayam yang ini harganya Rp. 20.000,00."

Ibu Wati pun menjawab, "Kalau begitu, akan saya beli kedua ayam itu."

Penjual : ???????

Seorang tukang sulap mempertunjukkan kebolehannya di sebuah kapal pesiar. Penontonnya selalu berganti tiap minggu sehingga si tukang sulap pun dapat mengulang trik sulap yang sama.

Namun muncul masalah, seekor burung beo milik kapten kapal selalu saja melihat pertunjukannya setiap minggu dan menjadi tahu trik atau tipuan apa yang dilakukan oleh si tukang sulap kemudian si beo pun berteriak pada saat pertunjukan berlangsung.


"Lihat..!! itu bukan topi yg sama!!. Topinya disembunyikan dalam
jubahnya..!!!" "Dia menyembunyikan bunga2 itu di bawah meja!!" "Hey... semua kartu yang dipegangnya adalah kartu As !!"

Maka si tukang sulap pun menjadi sangat jengkel tapi ia tidak bisa berbuat apa-apa.

Suatu hari kapal tersebut mengalami kecelakaan dan tenggelam. Si tukang sulap terapung-apung di tengah lautan di atas sebuah papan bersama si burung beo.

Mereka saling pandang dgn penuh kebencian tapi tidak mengucapkan satu patah kata pun... Kejadian ini berlangsung selama berhari-hari...

Setelah lebih dari satu minggu, tiba2 si Beo berkata "OK... saya menyerah....!! Dimana kamu sembunyikan kapalnya?

Pada suatu hari Si Paul datang ke rumah seorang cewek cantik dan seksi, lalu terjadilah percakapan dibawah ini:

Paul: Alo sayang... gue boleh masuk kan?"
Cewek: Boleh boleh aja"
Paul: Sayang, kita ke kamar yuk!"
Cewek: (sambil berpikir) Ehmmm... yuk dechh"

Setelah di kamar...



Paul: Boleh kunci pintu kan?"
Cewek: Bolehhhhh"
Paul: Kalo tutup jendela juga boleh kan?"
Cewek: Boleh"
Paul: Kita naik ke tempat tidur yuk"
Cewek: (sambil ragu dan kembali berpikir) Yuk"
Paul: Tutup selimutnya ya"
si Cewek lalu berpikir lagi dan akhirnya dia mau melakukannya juga. "Tutup aja pake selimutnya" kata si cewek sambil senyum senyum. Dan didalam selimut itu tiba-tiba...

Paul: eh liat dech JAM GUE TERNYATA BISA NYALA LHO!!!

Seorang lelaki Taiwan yang sangat kaya tetapi tidak memiliki kemampuan berbahasa Inggris ingin berkunjung ke USA. Namanya Deng Xiaoping.

Di tempat kedutaan USA, petugas menanyakan beberapa pertanyaan interview untuk mengetahui kunjungannya ke USA.



Pertanyaan pertama imigrasi: "Apa nama terakhir dari presiden pertama kami?"

Karena tidak mengerti bahasa Inggris dengan baik, dia menduga bahwa petugas menanyakan nama keluarganya (surname). Lalu dia menjawab: "Wa Sing Teng." (dalam Hokkian Taiwan berarti: "Marga saya Deng"). Dalam budaya Chinese, orang Chinese selalu memperkenalkan marganya dulu saat kenalan pertama kali.

Petugas mendengar "Washington!" (sama bunyinya) lalu dia melanjutkan ke pertanyaan ke-2: "Untuk apa kamu mau pergi ke US?"

Pikirnya, secara logis tentu sekarang dia menanyakan nama saya. Lalu dia menjawab: "Xiaoping."

Petugas mendengar: "Shopping!"

Pertanyaan ke-3: "Kendaraan apa yang kamu kendarain di Taiwan?"

Turis itu berpikir, dia ditanyakan statusnya di Taiwan, dan menjawab: "Wa Bo Bo.” (dalam Hokkian berarti: "Saya belum beristri").

Dan petugas mendengar: "Volvo!" lalu dia tersenyum dengan hormat dan bertanya lagi.

Pertanyaan ke-4: "Siapa pemain basket yang terkenal di USA?”

Saat ini lelaki Taiwan sudah mulai tidak sabar dan mulai berkata dengan keras: "Mai Ho Wa Cai Tan." (arti: "Jangan biarkan saya menunggu").

Petugas mendengar: "Michael Jordan!"

Kagum akan pengetahuan si turis, petugas meloloskan visa USA turis.

Ada seorang penjual semangka dipinggir jalan, lalu datanglah seorang ibu yang hendak membeli semangka.

Ibu: "Bang, berapa harga semangkanya ini satu?"
Penjual: "Oh..., murah Buk, tiga ribu saja."
Ibu: "Merah enggak bang?"
Penjual: "Dijamin pasti merah Buk. Kalo enggak merah nanti bisa dikembalikan."


Akhirnya si ibu tersebut membeli satu buah semangka, tetapi karena terburu-buru membawanya, semangka yang baru dibeli tadi jatuh dan pecah, ternyata warna buahnya putih bukan merah seperti yang dibilang tadi.

Si ibu dengan rada muka berang kembali ke penjual semangka tersebut untuk protes.

Ibu: "Bang! ini koq isinya putih, katanya tadi merah... Kalo begini saya kembalikan saja semangkanya!!! Mana duitnya tadi..!!" (dengan nada marah)

Penjual: "Lho Bu! tentara aja kalo jatuh pucat, apalagi semangka."

Seorang warga Indonesia berjalan memasuki sebuah Bank di New York untuk mengajukan pinjaman. Dia menghampiri petugas bagian pinjaman, mengatakan bahwa dia harus pergi ke Jakarta untuk urusan bisnis selama dua minggu, dan memerlukan pinjaman dana sebesar $5.000.

Petugas bank menanggapi, bahwa pihak bank akan memerlukan jaminan untuk pinjaman yang diajukan. Sang pria menyanggupi persyaratan yang diajukan oleh bank dengan memberikan kunci mobil dan dokumen untuk sebuah Ferrari Modena yang terparkir di depan bank. Dia memenuhi semua persyaratan, menunggu proses pengecekan dengan sabar, dan petugas bank menyetujui untuk memberikan pinjaman sesuai dengan jumlah yang diajukan.

Setelah sang pria Indonesia meninggalkan bank, Pihak Manajemen Bank dan pegawainya mentertawakan Sastro tersebut karena mempergunakan sebuah mobil Ferrari seharga $250,000 sebagai jaminan untuk meminjam uang sebesar $ 5,000.

Lantas pegawai bank memarkir mobil mewah itu di area parkir bawah tanah bank tersebut.

Selang 2 minggu kemudian, sang lelaki kembali dari Jakarta dan datang ke bank, mengembalikan pinjaman dana sebesar $ 5,000 beserta bunganya sebesar $15.41.

Sang pegawai bank mengatakan: "Mister Sastro, kami sangat gembira bisa melayani dan berbisnis dengan anda dengan lancar. Akan tetapi ada sesuatu yang amat membuat kami bertanya-tanya. Saat anda bepergian ke Jakarta , kami melihat kembali rekening anda di bank kami, dan menjumpai bahwa anda memiliki dana jutaan dollar direkening anda. Akan tetapi, kenapa anda masih memerlukan pinjaman untuk dana sebesar $ 5,000?"

Pak Sastro menjawab:
"Dimana lagi di kota New York saya bisa memarkir mobil saya selama 2 minggu dengan hanya membayar $ 15.41 dan mengharapkan mobil saya tidak dicuri saat saya kembali ??"

Petugas bank: ...??##@

Suatu hari seorang pelanggan restoran seafood berkunjung untuk makan malam.
Dia memesan satu porsi kepiting saus lada hitam.

Saat pesanannya disajikan pelanggan tersebut terkejut karena kepiting yang dia pesan tidak sesuai dengan keinginannya.

"Pelayan!!! Kenapa salah satu kaki kepiting ini hilang ?!"

"Kepiting-kepiting itu bertengkar di dapur dan kadang-kadang saling menggigit kaki masing-masing sampai lepas," jawab si pelayan.

"Kalau begitu, bawa yang ini kembali ke dapur dan berikan aku kepiting yang menang!"

"????!!!!!!"

Seorang wanita yang sangat gemuk pergi ke dokter.

Wanita: "Dok, obat apa yang harus saya minum agar bisa kurus?"

Dokter: "Oh, anda tidak perlu minum obat, cukup geleng-geleng kepala saja!"


Wanita: "Kapan saya harus geleng-geleng kepala dok? Pagi, siang, sore, atau malam?"

Dokter: "Cukup ketika ada orang yang menawari makan saja!"

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.



She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is

Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my

camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like

the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop!

My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her

legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

**************************** Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

************************** From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

*************************** O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

************************* A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.



If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

*************************** There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

****************************** A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

***************************** Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

****************************** One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing llike yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

******************************* The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

****************************** While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

http://www.funny.com/

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

The Flat Tire....
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life -like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before an OPP pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.



"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure?"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.

""Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Things to do on an Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.


6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”

14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.

22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled-up , dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Reference : http://www.funny.com

Salah seorang pejabat Rusia sedang menjamu rekan sejawatnya dari Afrika yang sedang mengadakan kunjungan kenegaraan ke Rusia. Saat yang paling mendebarkan buat tamu Afrika tersebut adalah ketika pejabat Rusia mengajak bermain "Russian Roulette", yaitu sebuah permainan mengadu nasib dengan menarik pelatuk pistol secara bergantian dengan mengarahkan moncong pistol ke kepala sendiri. Sedangkan pistol yang digunakan hanya berisi satu butir peluru.

Beruntung tidak sampai terjadi letusan pistol dan pejabat Afrika itupun boleh berlega hati dapat kembali berkumpul bersama keluarganya di Afrika.

Kini giliran pejabat Rusia yang tengah mengadakan kunjungan balasan ke Afrika dan mendapatkan jamuan yang sama hangatnya dari kolega Afrika-nya itu.

Pada bagian akhir acara perjamuan, pejabat Afrika mengajak pejabat Rusia itu melakukan permainan mengadu nasib. Dia mempersilakan teman Rusia-nya itu memilih salah satu dari lima wanita cantik Afrika yang sudah disediakan untuk dijadikan teman kencan. Kelima wanita cantik itu dijamin sangat terampil melakukan "Blow Job (Oral Sex)".

Melihat tantangan seperti itu, tentu saja membuat pejabat Rusia tertawa geli. "Lantas dimana letak serunya permainan ini, jika aku hanya harus memilih wanita cantik yang jago oral sex?", tanya pejabat Rusia.

Dengan tenangnya si pejabat Afrika menjelaskan, "Salah satu dari mereka adalah warga suku pedalaman Afrika yang terkenal sebagai suku KANIBAL!".

Pejabat Rusia itupun langsung jatuh pingsan...

Sepasang pengantin baru mengalami gangguan kesihatan. Setelah diperiksa dengan teliti, doktor memberitahu perkara itu disebabkan oleh hubungan seks yang terlalu kerap.

"Untuk sementara waktu ini, anda berdua dinasihatkan supaya menghadkan kegiatan seks. Sebaiknya dua kali saja seminggu sahaja. Untuk memudahkan mengingat, saya sarankan untuk melakukan hubungan ini hanya pada hari yang bermula dengan huruf S, yaitu Selasa dan Sabtu," saran doktor.

Akan tetapi pada malam ketiga berpuasa dari membuat hubungan itu, si suami tidak dapat lagi menahan nafsunya lalu mencumbui isterinya yang sedang tidur sehingga isterinya terjaga.

"Hari ini hari apa bang?" tanya si isteri.

"Sumaat"

Seorang Sarjana Ekonomi yang beberapa kali memulai bisnisnya namun selalu gagal terheran-heran dengan kisah sukses seorang pengusaha sukses yang ternyata latar pendidikannya hanyalah seorang lulusan SD.

Sang Sarjanapun datang kepada Si Pengusaha lulusan SD itu untuk sekedar bertanya mengenai kiat-iat suksesnya. Lantas terjadilah dialog seperti ini :

Sarjana : "Pak, bagaimana bapak bisa sesukses ini dalam menangani usaha bapak selama ini?"

Pengusaha : "O..itu mudah saja pak..saya tidak pernah ambil untung banyak-banyak terhadap semua barang yang saya jual !"

Sarjana : "Berapa bapak ambil keuntungan ?"

Pengusaha : "Hanya 1% !"

Sarjana : "Cuma 1% ? pantas..!"

Pengusaha : "Iya pak cuma 1% untungnya. Jadi kalau saya beli dengan harga satu juta maka saya menjualnya dengan harga dua juta."

Sarjana : "@#$^&*?!!!!"